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Well, F**k You Too, George Lucas

August 31, 2011 | COMMENTS (0)

Greedo shoots first, Han Solo steps on an ambulatory Jabba the Hutt’s tail, Jar Jar Binks, Hayden Christiansen, and now this.

Star Wars corpse defiler George Lucas confirmed today that the new Blu-Ray version of Return of the Jedi set for release on September 16th will feature a brand new line of dialogue.

In the climactic scene from 1983's Return of the Jedi, when Darth Vader hurls the evil Emperor to his demise on the Death Star, Vader will now shout “Noooooo!” (In all previous versions of “Jedi,” Vader has committed this crucial deed in silence.)

In related news...
 

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Sarah Palin Cancels Big Tea Party Speech Question Mark Winky Face

August 31, 2011 | COMMENTS (0)

Translucent-skinned sort-of Governor Sarah Palin has maybe possibly you don’t own me cancelled her highly publicized speech in Iowa this Saturday. The speech, which was meant to be the centerpiece of the Tea Party for America circle jerk rally, is now “on hold.”

Palin’s team blamed “logistical issues” for the cancellation, although the historically challenged community college graduate has still left the door open to the possibility of a speech.

This is seen as simply the latest chapter in Palin’s cat and mouse game with the lamestream media, and has further fueled speculation about the Mama Grizzly’s intentions to run for the 2012 GOP presidential nomination.

UPDATE:

 

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Donald Trump Won’t Read Dick Cheney’s Book, Totally Hates It

August 31, 2011 | COMMENTS (0)

Here is another installment of the viral video phenomenon From the Desk of Donald Trump (an astonishing 271 views as of this writing)!

In today’s chapter, the temper tantrum prone E-list celebrity babysitter gives his review of Dick Cheney’s new book In My Time: A Personal and Political Memoir, the release of which will have "heads across Washington exploding," according to the former Vice President.

In the video, the wildly popular former GOP presidential candidate Trump calls Cheney a liar because Cheney uses the phrase “as I remember it” in the book when writing about the Iraq war.

Trump goes on to call Cheney “very, very angry and nasty,” saying, “I didn’t like Cheney when he was a Vice President, I don’t like him now, and I don’t like people that rat out everybody like he’s doing in the book...


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Tea Party Dumps Christine O’Donnell Into Proverbial Harbor

August 30, 2011 | COMMENTS (0)

Unelectable Tea Party favorite person Christine O’Donnell has been disinvited from speaking at the big Tea Party hoedown in Iowa this weekend. The non-pop-up book author was scheduled to speak shortly before translucent-skinned, partial-term Governor Sarah Palin this Saturday in Indianola, Iowa.

“We decided not to have her speak. We felt it was in the best interest of the movement,” said Tea Party for America founder Charlie Gruschow.

Hopefully O’Donnell’s book tour will buoy her spirits after this embarrassing and highly publicized snub.

UPDATE:

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Glenn Beck and His Antichrist Conspiracist Friends Have a Keyser Soze Moment

August 30, 2011 | COMMENTS (0)

Under-medicated microphone moistener Glenn Beck and his frequent guest, author and WND contributing writer Joel Richardson have been busy documenting the similarities between the "bad guy" of the Bible, the Antichrist, and the "good guy" of the Quran, the Mahdi. Richardson contends they are, in fact, the same.

Richardson’s book The Islamic Antichrist, which for some reason (Richardson’s basement full of unsold books) is now available for only $4.95, details the similarities between the Antichrist and the “Islamic Jesus.”

"You have to look at this, really ask yourself, 'Wow, is this true?'" Beck said of Richardson’s theory.

Beck discusses the Islamic teachings that some Muslims like Iran President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad believe – that they can speed the coming of the Madhi, their end-times savior, by creating chaos, from which they expect him to emerge.

Beck, applying such a belief to Christianity, suggested facetiously, "What do you say we go start slaughtering people so Jesus will come back?...


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Oh My Gawd Y’all! You’ll Never Believe It! Rush Limbaugh Still Racist

August 29, 2011 | COMMENTS (0)

This morning, massively popular radio host and road rage-inciter Rush Limbaugh unhooked his undulating jaw, tilted back his head, pried open his gargantuan mouth and let the wraiths of racist anachronies soar from the depths of his gaping maw, as his empty human shell cascaded down around his long-suffering office chair.

A little backstory: Former Secretary of State Colin Powell, who made a splash in 2008 by crossing party lines and endorsing Barack Obama for president appeared on Face the Nation yesterday, saying:

I haven’t decided who I’m going to vote for. Just as was the case in 2008, I am going to watch the campaign unfold. In the course of my life I have voted for Democrats, I have voted for Republicans, I have changed from one four-year cycle to another. I’ve always felt it my responsibility as a citizen to take a look at the issues, examine the candidates, and pick the person that I think is best qualified for the office of the president in that year. And not just solely on the basis of party affiliation.

Instead of applauding Powell’s circumspection and bipartisanship, Limbaugh spit forth the following loveliness:



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Michele Bachmann Makes Super Hilarious and Totally Appropriate Joke About Deadly Hurricane

August 29, 2011 | COMMENTS (2)

Stand-up comedian, GOP presidential sign of the apocalypse, and historical fiction enthusiast gaffe-bot Michele Bachmann took to the stage at the Laugh Factory a campaign rally in Sarasota Florida, and had the crowd in stitches with the following zinger about Hurricane Irene:

"I don't know how much God has to do to get the attention of the politicians. We've had an earthquake; we've had a hurricane. He said, 'Are you going to start listening to me here?'
Listen to the American people because the American people are roaring right now. They know government is on a morbid obesity diet and we've got to rein in the spending."

After the secular, satanic, liberal elite media barbarians spent the morning lambasting Bachmann’s comments, she issued the following statement...

 

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House Majority Leader Eric Cantor Takes Defenseless Baby Panda Hostage

August 25, 2011 | COMMENTS (0)

Poor Yin Yin. Just when she was finally recovering from being taken hostage by House Speaker John Boehner (R-OH) during the protracted debt ceiling standoff a mere three weeks ago, she has been taken hostage yet again. This time, the hostage-taker is House Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-VA), who won’t release the defenseless baby panda (who this time represents disaster relief for victims of Tuesday’s earthquake) until sufficient cuts have been made to the federal budget.

After the magnitude 5.8 earthquake hit his Congressional district in Virginia on Tuesday, and with Hurricane Irene bearing down on the Atlantic Seaboard, Eric Cantor insists that no federal aid will come to Virginia without corresponding federal budget offsets. In years past, Congress has provided disaster relief outside normal budget caps and without offsets.

“All of us know that the federal government is busy spending money it doesn’t have,” said Cantor, as he aimed his pistol at the trembling baby panda. “There is an appropriate federal role in incidents like this,” indicating a willingness to provide disaster relief to his constituents, but only after his demands are met...
 

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Karl Rove Calls Out Thin-Skinned Sarah Palin For Being Thin-Skinned

August 25, 2011 | COMMENTS (0)

Karl Rove went off the reservation on Fox News yesterday, despite the best efforts of host Greta Van Susteernenenen.

Reacting to Palin’s insinuation that Rove was trying to sabotage the partial-term Governor’s non-campaign by speculating that it might not be a non-campaign, the erstwhile Turd Blossom said, “If she doesn’t want to be speculated about as a potential presidential candidate, there’s an easy way to end the speculation, simply say ‘I’m not running.’”

“It’s a sign of enormous thin skin that if we speculate about her, she gets upset, and I suspect that if we didn’t speculate about her, she’d be upset and try and find a way to get us to speculate about it,” continued Rove...
 

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CNN's Jack Cafferty Slams Perry, Palin and Bachmann; Is Hero

August 25, 2011 | COMMENTS (0)

Crankypants CNN commentator Jack Cafferty tore Michele Bachmann, Rick Perry and Sarah Palin a new one, calling them "wackjobs" and "intellectual lightweights," comparing them to the Three Stooges, sarcastically calling Sarah Palin a "Mensa member," and basically just making the world a brighter place.

America's get-off-my-lawn-iest media figure praised GOP also-rans Ron Paul, John Huntsman and Newt Gingrich, while acknowledging that "none of the three has a prayer against Curly, Moe and Larry."

Citing Bachmann's claim that she will lower gasoline to $2 per gallon as president, and Perry's "treasonous" comments regarding Ben Bernanke, Cafferty asked, “When it comes to presidential politics, why does America seem to be allergic to brains?...


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